Dont budget at 3am

I got no sleep last night.

For some reason just after I turned out the lights I had decided it would be a good idea to think about my finances…

And subsequently spent the next 3 hours doing mental gymnastics with every cent I had and convincing myself that I was on the verge of bankruptcy… and that I had somehow missed budgeting for an upcoming payment of 5 thousand dollars.

Cue a complete panic that had me running my budget over and over in my head, trying to figure out how I was going to explain it to my husband, and finally applying for a loan to cover the amount.

Yes, I was sneaking around in the dark trying to find all the necessary paperwork and do an online application at 3 am.

I eventually got myself together and did some self-coaching and realized that everything was actually ok… I just can't math when I’m tired and it's late.

There is literally no problem here.

But my reaction was SO interesting.

I was completely invested in the fact that I could have made a mistake like that and was throwing myself hard into finding a solution.

And this morning when I revisited the incident to unravel it, I figured out the real reason why.

I’m not worried about the money.

I’m worried about what I’ve spent that money on.

Recently I committed a sum that is roughly equal to my current annual income into a certification program to become a more skilled life coach.

It's a big deal. A major uplevel for my life.

And I am terrified that I’m going to fail at it.

I have a fear that the money will have been wasted because I won't be good enough.

But THAT fear is beyond scary because there is no simple solution.

I can't logic my way out of it.

Needing an extra $5k next month? You had better believe that I will find a way to make that happen.

Letting go of the fear that I’m not good enough and cant actually help people…. a little trickier.

The money thing is a smokescreen drama. A difficult, but more solvable puzzle that lets me pretend that I don’t feel the other more real fear, the one that requires so much more from me to resolve.

It requires me to admit that fear and look it right in the eye.

I have to really be honest with myself, to actively chose my thoughts and beliefs about my value as a person.

It requires me to take control of what I spend my mental energy on.

I remember seeing this a lot with people trying to lose weight in the Clinic I used to work at.

Focusing on getting to a goal weight is a nice neat puzzle that's solvable with a plan and a structure.

Allowing us to ignore the fact that the real issue is we believe ourselves to be less than, unlovable or damaged somehow. (And believing that weight loss will somehow fix that… a topic for another day!)

Focusing on the smokescreen fears might make us feel like we’re taking action and making progress, but really they are a way to quietly ignore the scarier fear that in order to solve… we have to truly grow.