I’ve been asking β€œbut why?” since I was a very little girl.

I've learned that in life there are people who obey the rules that they learn or are encouraged to agree with (whether they realize it or not) and then there are people like me. People who have been through the experience of playing by the rules, only to end up living a very small and kinda sad version of what their life could be.

When I stopped looking at the rules and saying "But WHY!?" I found myself in a very dark place. Depressed, with an eating disorder, and staring down the big black hole of a life I didn't want. It got so bad that I eventually stopped leaving the house, for YEARS.

At 21 I felt like my life was pretty much already over.

I spent so much time trying to be thinner, quieter, more in control, that I completely lost sight of who I was and what I was really capable of. And further smothered that brilliant creature that I was with medication and therapy that never asked me the right questions.

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't want what people said I should want. I didn't want to do any of the stuff that I was supposed to. I wasn't really interested in a career, marriage, being a size 6 or even being liked.

These were just some of the "rules" I picked up along the way. I also believed that unless I played by those rules, I would not be worth anything. So I tried to make myself be what they wanted.

Seriously, for many years I believed that the size of my butt as somehow an indicator of my worth as a person and my ability to achieve success.

and it was bullshit.

Dont worry though! I found myself again!
Dont worry though! I found myself again!

I wanted to be LOUD! I wanted to travel. I wanted to focus only on what my obsession was at any given moment. I wanted to figure the world out on my own, without people telling me how it should be.

I wanted to be free of every expectation but my own.

So I went back to asking why..

"But WHY!?" is the most important question I've ever learned to ask, and it's one I ask every single person I meet. When you start to challenge the rules. Challenge the lies that we are conditioned to accept throughout our lives, utterly powerful shit starts to happen.

You become a renegade.

You become free.

You get to choose how your own life plays out.

So here I am, pushing back. breaking rules. Helping others to stare boring itty bitty mediocre lives or fear and playing it safe, in the face and go "Not today cupcake!! Not ever!"